Loving Lisa
by JuiceBoxMonstah
Summary: "My name is Susanna Kaysen, and I'm a formerly depressed chick that's still addicted to French cigarettes. For me, it's important to write down my past experience, because I want to remember every last detail about my sweet Lisa Rowe. She's beautiful, erotic, spontaneous, narcissistic, outgoing, fearsome, hateful, dramatic, careless – She's a psychopathic ****; Lisa Rowe is..."


My name is Susanna Kaysen, and I'm a formerly depressed chick that's still addicted to French cigarettes. For me, it's important to write down my past experience, because I want to remember every last detail about my sweet Lisa Rowe. She's beautiful, erotic, spontaneous, narcissistic, outgoing, fearsome, hateful, dramatic, careless – She's a psychopathic cunt; Lisa Rowe is the only woman I will ever truly love and desire through the depths of my soul… and this is our story.

_Twelve months ago…_

I'm bored to death, sitting here in this stupid shrink's office. He won't listen to me, he doesn't understand my way of thinking at all… another asshole that thinks _inside_ the box, not surprising at all. If he would get on my level maybe I wouldn't keep daydreaming so much. Why do I bother daydreaming about my shitty life anyways? The perfect parents, I feel like I'm on a cheesy sitcom half of the time, _"Oh meet our perfect daughter Susanna",_ truth is, my parents are embarrassed by me. I've never fit in, not even in school. I don't get people, why are they not like me? Is it really so wrong to want more out of life? I don't want to live in this world if it doesn't have more to offer to me.

"Susanna?" The shrink quizzically quirked his brow.

I sat up from my slouch quickly as I awoke from my daydreaming, glancing down for a second as I watched my cigarette ashes fall onto the fancy chair covering. I quickly replied, "What were you saying again?"

He leaned forward as he spoke slightly louder in his response, "Susanna, you chased a bottle of Aspirin with a bottle of vodka, why did you do this to yourself?"

"I told you already! I didn't. I had a headache, I wasn't trying to kill myself." I hastily scoffed, as I took a puff of my cigarette.

"Susanna I don't understand how that could have been accidental…" he began lecturing again.

As the shrink continued to mumble his bullshit, I gradually tuned him out, and noticed my mother outside with suitcases. What the fuck is going on? Is she taking me somewhere with her? Oh god… no… she's going to lock me up. I'm going to end up stuck inside of a shitty ward with a bunch of crazy people, and for what? I didn't do _anything_ wrong, I decided not to live in a world with less than what I wanted, is that _so_ bad? Is it really so bad? Fuck this.

"What is my mother doing?" I interrupted him angrily, almost ready to pop out of the chair and run.

"Susanna, don't worry about that, we need to continue our session." He calmly suggested.

"I didn't do anything."

"Your parents and I have had a talk. Your father is a close friend of mine, I wouldn't even be talking to you right now if such a good friend wasn't in need of my help. I don't even practice anymore, Susanne. We have come to the conclusion that you need to go to a place where you can relax." He spoke as if I were ignorant, as the tension in the room began to get heavier.

"Yeah, I can relax at home, I need a nap or something I guess." I was sarcastic.

"No, we mean somewhere safer, somewhere that you can take a little vacation and get your priorities in order without stress."

He's being a prick now. No fucking way am I—

"Oh god. You're sending me to Claymore, aren't you?" I bit my lip, somewhat frightened at the thought.

The shrink spoke as he scooted back into his chair a bit, "Susanna, you'll be taken well care of there, and it's a much safer environment for you. We've already arranged a cab."

"My mom can take me." I demanded.

"No, no. We'll do it by cab, I've already spoken to your parents about it. This will make it a lot less—" the shrink lets out a short exhale before continuing his sentence, "emotional."

I didn't say a word. It was too much to take in, how could they do this to me? Why? I understand that I'm a disappointment to my family, I'm not who they want me to be, I'm not part of their little game of house, but getting rid of me? Really? This is some bullshit. Okay, sure, I'm 18, I don't have a job, I'm hooked on a "_unrealistic_" dream of becoming a writer, I smoke pot, drink, and fuck random guys sometimes. I'm not your _ideal_ daughter… _but send me to a mental institution, that'll fix it_. My mind was racing, I felt so out of control – I _was_ out of control. I was entirely out of control and my life suddenly turned upside down and ended up in the hands of those I didn't want to have ahold of me. How fucking _wonderful._ This is just _so nice_… assholes!

Minutes later the cab arrived and the shrink walked me outside. I feel like a prisoner, I might as well be handcuffed. This is insane. I lit up another cigarette shakily as I got into the cab, and slammed my head against the cab window, not hard, but with enough force to make a nice thud against the glass. The shrink was giving the driver specific instructions for my trip to Claymore, mostly how it's important to not stop the car until we get there. What a bunch of bullshit. I took a nice long hit on my cigarette and held it in for a few seconds, then exhaled slowly. I'm calmer than before, and the cab is finally moving. Well… here we go, my freedom is _officially_ gone and my life has ended.

"What did you do?" the cab driver asked curiously.

"Excuse me?" I responded, not exactly wanting to answer his question.

"I mean, you look normal. You don't seem crazy to me." He chuckled.

I sighed, "I'm sad."

"Well a lot of people are sad."

"Yeah… but I'm different."

The rest of the cab ride was quiet; I enjoyed a few cigarettes on the way. I thought about what it might be like, you know, being in a mental ward. I picture a bunch of psychos screaming up and down the halls ripping at the wallpaper and clanking against barred in windows. Electric shocks being sent from one patient to the next, random fights between patients and staff, and then me… sitting in a corner wasting away what's left of my life, begging for someone to kill me. I hope it's not that bad, but I'm sure it will be. Fuck my life… this sucks – Oh no. We're here…

As the cab pulled into the long winding driveway of Claymore, an African American woman was standing outside of the large brick building with a big smile on her face. She opened my cab door and escorted me to the entrance of the building.

"I'll take you to the front desk, you'll be filling out some paper work and then I'll lead you to your ward, okay?" she smiled while gesturing me to follow her.

I nodded and followed her up to the front desk, there were two ladies waiting there in front of a computer, fax machine, and telephone, one woman was around her thirties, the other around her late forties. They reminded me of my mother, it just pissed me off more. I sulked my way over to the desk.

"Why hello there, you must be Suzanne!" the older woman said as she handed me some papers, "Just fill these out and we'll get you settled, also, I know I speak for Dr. Wicke and all the staff here as well as myself when I say, Welcome, Welcome to Claymore!"

"Uhh, thanks.." I spoke empty words, who the fuck is this woman trying to convince?

I filled out the paper work as quickly as possible, missed a couple spots to sign my signature, but got it figured out… damn daydreaming always keeping me sidetracked. Once everything was completely filled out and handed in to the women at the front desk, the African American woman gestured me towards her.

"My name is Valerie, this is the womens ward, where I work, and you will be staying. Follow me but make sure to keep close, it's easy to get lost in here and we don't want that, a wrong turn could end up badly. Come on, keep up." She said, jogging up a flight of stairs with me trailing behind her.

Once we reached our destination, she began showing me around, introducing me to patients, and lastly, she took me to my new room and I met my roommate. What a fuckin' blast. During my introduction to my new roommate, Georgina, another nurse, who was small with blonde hair pulled into a neat bun, had come into the room. She whispered something into Valerie's ear and quickly left. I bet some crazy shit must be going down. Either that, or they had something to say about _the new arrival_… ugh. I hate it here already.

"I'll leave you to unpack your things for now, I'm sure you would like to get comfortable. If you need anything just give me a holler." Valerie said as she left the room.

I nodded and plopped my suitcase onto the bed, and pulled out a cigarette and lit it up. My roommate was reading a book and complimented me on the fancy cigarette box. I explained to her that they were French cigarettes, and that I thought the rebellion might have smoked them. She then opened up to me about her pathetic obsession over The Wizard of Oz, holding up her book and waving it in the air as if it were a thick wad of cash.

"Yeah, this book doesn't have Dorothy in it, though! But it's still really good!" Georgina went on.

I just nodded my head, pretending to give a shit. Well, I guess I can't exactly claim she's obsessed, but she sure as hell won't shut up about it, and I consider that a red flag… plus, this is a fucking mental ward. She probably has some kind of weird ass illness where she thinks she's still a child or something… but other than the Dorothy and Toto bullshit she seems alright, almost normal. I looked out the window as I took a drag off of my cigarette, and that's when I saw her… shackled, in handcuffs, kicking and screaming on her way into the building. Who was this girl? Georgina got nosey and decided to spy out the window with me, and once she saw the girl outside she quickly ran to her bed and cowered like an abused puppy.

"Who is that?" I asked, more curious than concerned, as I turned my attention to Georgina.

"That's Lisa." She curled her knees up to her chest, whimpering.

I really wanna know who this Lisa girl is. She looks… she just looks so interesting to me, and a little scary, too. Before I could continue any more of my thoughts, there was screaming and crying through the entire ward and it felt as though all chaos was beginning to break loose – Little did I know I was in for a huge awakening, and there was more than just chaos in store for this mental institution. What I was to experience – what we all were to experience has a single word to describe it – Lisa Rowe.

"I'M BACK! Did you miss me?!" Lisa's voice cackled through the ward halls.


End file.
